Thursday, September 23, 2010


So the other night i had i kinda strange dream. well i guess any dream i actually remember end up being strange in someway or another. Anyway, the dream starts out with me and a few of my friends hanging out on top of some dunes above the beach. For some reason my one friend has her laptop with her i'm trying to put some roms on it for her but i cant find them on the flash drive i'm using. (iv heard that any writing you see in dreams is backwards or unreadable or something but everything on the laptop seemed fine in this dream.) as i'm doing this some surfers come up from the beach saying the waves are getting to big and its dangerous. right after them a wave washes up almost to the top of the dunes where we are. me and my friends are all thrilled and cant wait to get into the water, i though the laptop in a bad and put it on a hill just a bit high than the last wave was and start down the dunes to the beach. For some reason i find my self going down the dunes like a waterside but have to stop because the path is blocked a ways down the dunes. i end up running down the rest of the was to the beach and the waves are huge. then i wake up.
i thought it was an odd dream and just though i would share. i doubt it means anything but i may try interpreting it one day.

Monday, September 20, 2010

fake smiles

Fake Smiles
The fall of night starts it again
Finally out looking for a friend
Some are found but are they true
They don’t even speak to you
Strange and familiar faces all around
Pointless talk is the only sound
People leave and then you follow
Hopes for the night have become so hollow
Back in the crowd, yet all alone
Inside you ace and moan
Drifting for the crowds edge
Inside your head you’re at a ledge
You see a smile and reflect one back
Emotion is what yours dose lack
That smile wasn’t meant for you
Another mistake but that you already knew
Empty smiles hurt so much
In your pocket your fist does clutch
Still pretending and wearing that smile
Inside you hurt and your faces lie feels vial
On the sidelines your fake smile shows
Will it catch someone eye, who really knows?
Alone again you walk away
A wasted smile, a wasted day


Iv been a little to busy with work to post the past day or two but i should have some time to put something new up later. I have another early day at work tomorrow. i hope it goes better that today did. For now i just need sleep because i didn't get any at all last night.

Friday, September 17, 2010

who to be

who to be
I am not who I want to be

I do not feel like me

I‘ve been molded by society

and the rules are controlling me

I’ve not been who I want to be

I wish I knew what I want for me

I want more determination

but I wonder if within the duration

of the rest of the time I have left

will I be me or will death take my life by theft

I may change my life one day

and maybe then I will know what to say

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dark Thoughts

Dark Thoughts
Dark thoughts fill my head
I fear they will stay till I am dead
What they are I cannot say
For if I do I’ll be locked away

My greatest fear is losing control
Pain and suffering to others, the toll
For now I try to keep myself restrain
Struggling within just to stay a bit sane

I think back now, when did it all start?
Thoughts and dreams of evil and crimson art
Has black always been the color of my heart?
As a child so kind then inside I fell apart

Innocent and young only wanting to please
For the whole world I gave my best
But in the end a happy life was a cruel tease
Betrayed and abandoned by one, soon all the rest

How will this all end?
Is there hope for me?
Can my mind and heart mend?
To end this what is the key?

Monday, September 13, 2010


Well i finally beat Final Fantasy 13 and it only took me 56 hours. Ha ha a good waste of my time only because i beat my friend to the end. He had a head state because i didn't even have a system that could play it till a few weeks after he got the game but right now his system is broken and waiting for to get fixed so i guess its even.

All and all it was an OK game, i didn't like it as much as i liked some of the older FF games. I didn't really care to much for any of the main characters and there was little free will in the game. For the most part you only had one way to go with no options. just keep walking down the path with the story line and no free exploring allowed, at least untill you got to go back to grand pulse but even that was limited. with any luck the next one will be better, not counting 14 or any other of the online ones. I'm not really a mmorpg type of guy. They have no real goals or ends. it takes forever to level and to actualy get anywhere and im not really into needing groups of ppl to fight with me to actualy kill anything.

Time for some zombie killing. Left4Dead!


Friends have gone
Friends always drift day by day
Until they are so far away
Can they even come back once more?
Kind words fail to open that door
Many leave and don’t look back
Yet another friend gone, what is it I lack
Life really does hate me
Isolation and is the future I see
Forever alone is the greatest pain
Echoes of the past are all that remain

Sunday, September 12, 2010

ab ripperx

well i just tried ab ripperx and it was fun. i didn't keep up with it the whole way though because i haven't been doing any ab workouts in way to long. can't wait to see how i'm feeling in a day or two.

Finally back to running

just got done with a 3 mile run and it felt great. i know its not much but its a start. when i was in the middle of the woods something rather strange happened though.

There i was just over half way done with my run so i was over a mile in the woods and i started hearing sirens and lots of them. my first though was i should be to far in the woods to hear them. Maybe there was another forest fire like years ago and the truck were driving down the trails, making new paths and knocking down trees. That would be just my luck. i go for one run in the woods and get stuck in a forest fire.

The sirens just keeps getting louder and there were so many of them i started getting other ideas in my head. From the sound of it i though something big must be happening and if there was no fire what else could it be? being who i am my next concern was maybe it actually happened. Zombies! well by this point i was on my way back getting closer to civilization, where the undead might be. without even trying i became more aware of my surrounding. i heard more russeling in the woods than normal, stick snapping and such. I passed right next to a squeal on a tree that only ran in circles not away. i though that was odd then i saw some deer right next to the trail but one of them did not run ether. it just watched me. OK so the animals were acting a bit off and i was getting close to the road and school. if the dead were walking i would be seeing them any second. that face the the trail curved and there were more places to hid didn't help any. I would be leaving the woods with no defence, not even a cellphone to call for help. my only hope would be to get to my car before they saw me. just as i was about to leave the woods i heard something that sounded like a scream or maybe a howl. i wasn't sure but i couldn't stay in the woods. by this point the sirens had stopped but that could mean anything. they had been going longer that i normally hear them before. now out of the woods i walked slowly though the empty Field behind the school.

I was relieved when i heard human voices coming from the track just out of site, this was not the end but i guess i was a little disappointed as well. i finish my run with a cool down and some stretching. i never did find out why there were so many sirens or why they were on so long. i guess it may have just been a close by accident but still it made for an interesting run.

just for now

I don't know why but i feel like using this blog to spill my mind for a little while. maybe just writing things down will help me sleep. so far I'm not living up to my goal of sleeping better. its already 3 am and i didn't get much sleep last night but i still cant fall asleep yet. speaking of 3am, that reminds me i need to get that sound about 3am. on one of many side notes there are so many things wrong with this world that really shouldn't be but because of the way people as a whole are its not going to change any time soon. for example have you ever seen those sad commercials about donating money to helping animals. how good you would feel if you called up and donated all you could afford then the next commercial was about children starving somewhere and now you couldn't help. are these really the priority's of the world. what needs to be done is have the more human problems dealt with first but no because resource are spreed so thin nothing gets done. so many resources are wasted on pointless things or at least less important things. kinda related i was wondering just exactly how much money is raised for cancer research and so forth and how it is all spent. maybe I'm just a pessimist but i believe that more than half the money if probably just spent advertising to get the donating, i want to see where it all actually goes and why with the millions or more spent so little progress is made in this ever advancing world. maybe tomorrow ill list some movies and amines i found enjoyable or mind opening. i wouldn't mind a few suggestions for good movies that motivate or get you to think

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Day two

well so far today hasn't been as productive as i wanted it to be. i was going to go for a run but then my friend said they would come too after they finished their work but i waited hours and they never got back to me. i finally went to the track by myself to get a few miles if but it was just my luck there was a football game there so i couldn't run. i ended up getting KFC instead of running. how backwards is that. about the only thin i actually got done today was a started cleaning my apartment. well maybe ill get some more stuff done tonight.

Day one...

Well iv tryed this before but time going to try again. I want to change up my life and make something with it but everytime i "try" i just end up falling back in the same old habbits. This time i think ill try writting down a few goals and since im sharing this as a blog maybe ill be more motivated to keep up with it.

I might as well list what i want to change about my self and use it as a check list. Lets see now...

1. i want to get in shape. (im actualy under weight but i look like a twig)
2. i need to stop spending all my time on the computer
3. i need to start running again
4. i want to get to some type of normal sleep cycle. no more staying up till 5 or 6 am and sleeping in till 2
5. i need to stop skipping meals.
6. im indecisive
7. not the best speller
8. not very confident
9. to shy


1. Run almost every day
2. Find more races and win.
3. Do a marathon
(yeah, i like to run a lot)
4. Spend more time with my friends (why are our scheduals always different)
5. Do more creative things (learn guitar, draw, write)
6. Be more organized
7. Find something to motivate me (this is going to be a hard one)
8. Figure out what i want to do with my life (another hard one, and it would be nice if it wasnt a day job. It is is a day job it could atleast be one i could like)

Well thats it for now, this is just a quick start but if i keep it up every day and post my progress maybe it will work this time. By the way this is my first time actualy bloging so if anyone has and tips or sugestions feel free to send them my way.